I am upset by the infrequency with which I update this blog. I have time, I do, when I pump, I can grab the computer and type out a little something, but ah, sheer laziness prevails. You know what else I am upset by? How uneducated I sound. That sounds pretentious, I know, but really, I used to write much more eloquently than I do now, and you could see all my years of hard schoolwork and essay writing in my words. I think its been a combination of my previously mind-numbing job, my lack of reading any literature recently, and my cramming of all the pregnancy/baby/prematurity information into my brain that has caused me to go 'stupider'. I fully subscribe to the idea that when an adult shoves some new information into their brain, something else falls out. For me, that something has been grammar and my aforementioned eloquence, my vocabulary, and also most of American history. Sorry Mr. Liebesman and 11th grade AP class.

I digress.

This will sound ungrateful, but recently I have realized how much of my being is completely consumed by caring for these beautiful babies. I really don't mean that in a bad sense. I just mean that I am so very different than I used to be. Sure, I still get upset and overreact to some little things, but for the most part, I am so much more mellow than I used to be. And my God am I a caretaker and a nurturer. It's all I do. Literally. I wonder do all new moms feel this way? Like you've lost yourself in a sense, just because of the sheer enormity of the task of taking care of a new baby - or two? I don't blame the babies, I don't blame anyone. I'm just kind of musing on how I feel. Every fiber of my being is centered around my children, and I don't really think that's a bad thing. I am growing and stretching in new directions, I just haven't fully realized them all yet. There is a need to find and grasp onto a little shred of 'me', though.

That said, I have noticed that my old foe Codependency is back. It creeped into my life silently and slowly as I reacted to the crisis of the babies' prematurity. Now I'm back to the feeling of being lost in everyone else and everything else, low self worth, and the pattern of overeating and over-exerting myself. Eh. I need to come back to myself and become centered again.

Thank you, readers, for coming with me on this rant/journey. I started this blog to post updates about the babies, but it really has allowed me a certain freedom to express myself, and I appreciate you being beside me.