It's Been Awhile...

I promise a full scale update soon. Promise. Here are the basics: boys are beautifully healthy, boys turned 1, boys are walking, boys are into EVERYTHING, we moved. To look at Isaac and Gabriel now, both over 20lbs, both walking and chattering away, you would never have guessed they were born as early as they were. The pediatrician is astounded, even the neonatologists at the local children's hospital are astounded.

We are so thankful to have them, so grateful that they are healthy and thriving. I don't even have the right words to express how I feel.

Upcoming life events: boys' first Hannukkah, Steve's sister's wedding (boys are ringbearers), anniversary of Gabe's homecoming and our family being complete, boys' due date/boys' first Christmas. I have so much to say I don't even know where to start. Thusly, I will collect my thoughts and come back, sharing all the wonderful experiences that we've had recently. Thanks if anyone is still reading!

A Day in the Park

Yesterday, Steve and I took the boys to a local park, for a post-lunch walk, like we do every week. The difference was that we finally decided that the boys are big enough to try big boy swings! Here is the fun that ensued:

They loved it! Here are a few good pictures from the outing:

These boys are my life (all 3 of them). They are so wonderful, and make me feel like a complete person. It's like the love for your children fills a hole that you didn't realize you had. It is so amazing to see them discovering new things, and learning new behaviors. Gabe's new favorite behavior is to hold his hands up above him, especially while holding a spoon or other stick-like implement, and to yell loudly for a long time. It's like he is conducting an orchestra, or parting the red sea! It is hilarious. He gets so excited when I smile and laugh while he does it, he then laughs and bounces up and down so boisterously that he occasionally falls over. Both boys have learned to clap, and they love to show you, although not on command.

Oh yes, and they are 11 months old!!! Only 1 month till they turn 1 year old...that seems ridiculous to me. This time last year I was parked on my left side on the futon out in the main room, glued to the computer watching Battlestar Galactica. Ha! Not even dreaming of the life I would have with these beautiful babies. While I was on bedrest, I honestly tried not to think about the fact that two little lives depended on me. I would talk to them, and poke them through my tummy of course, but I didn't want to envision our lives together, mostly out of fear. I was afraid that they wouldn't make it, or they would have handicaps due to their prematurity. Of course there was still the small part of me that thought bedrest would carry me through to full term, I was in denial. But look at them now, healthy and perfect.

Sippy Cups and Pulling Up

So, I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I've updated the blog. At first, it just took a backseat to the more pressing job of taking care of the boys day in and day out. Then I realized it had been a couple weeks, and honestly I was so embarrassed that I'd been neglecting the blog that I...continued to neglect it. Logical, eh? But here I am, finally, updating.

The boys are now 10 1/2 months old, 8 months adjusted for their prematurity. They are completely mobile. They sit, they crawl, they pull up on furniture, they 'cruise', walking along the furniture. They even stand for a moment by themselves, without assistance. At their 9 month checkup, Isaac was 18lb 8oz, a far cry from his birthweight of 2lb 15oz. Gabriel was 20lb 12oz!! They have also begun to get the 'pincer' grasp, picking up food (or whatever) with their thumb and forefinger. We give them sippy cups at one meal a day so they get used to using them. In only a couple weeks, they understand to hold the handles and tip the spout into their mouths. They are such big boys!!

Yesterday, while watching them both standing at the couch trying to grab something, I had the realization that they are not my little babies anymore. I mean, they are still babies, but they are more like little kids, not tiny newborns that need to be held and cuddled constantly. They each have their own personalities that are beginning to shine through. Isaac is mellow, like Steve, very easygoing. He is thoughtful about what he does and plays with, you can see the wheels turning as he goes from one toy to another, deciding which one to play with. Gabriel is just like me. Strong, willful, assertive, wants what he wants when he wants it, and if he doesn't get it, he throws a temper tantrum. He has this high pitched shrill scream that he unleashes every time you take something away from him. Since his reach seems to get longer by the day, and he's a magnet to things he's not supposed to touch, we hear that scream quite a bit. He loves cell phones, the computer, and remote controls. Isaac for some reason loves paper, plastic, anything that crinkles and makes noise. His favorite is the disposable dealie of baby wipes. He's dextrous enough to open the package and pull the wipes out - which he then eats, of course.

Today, I ended up playing the most amazing game with them. Isaac loves to shake his head in the "no" motion, I guess he just likes the feel of it, or the way it makes us smile. So today Gabe was in my lap, and Isaac was standing up next to me, with my arm around him. He shook his head, and I laughed and shook mine the same way. The boys loved it! They laughed and laughed. So I kept at it, Isaac would shake, then I would shake, and they would laugh. Even when Isaac got distracted by something (Mama's glasses are so shiny!), I'd say "Isaac look at mama!" and shake my head, and he laughed, and knew to shake his afterward. It was like we were communicating - he understood what I wanted him to do, and he did it. So awesome.

The time is coming...this time last year, I was still blissfully ignorant that my body was failing me and that my babies would soon be born. September 10th was the day I was put on bedrest. But oddly, instead of being overly emotional (which is what I predicted), I'm really excited. Last year was hard, but this year, I have my beautiful boys with me! We can do autumnal things, pick pumpkins, bake pies, take walks in the brisk air, as the leaves change color. I cannot believe my boys are almost 1. They've been out now far longer than they were ever in. It's amazing how far they have come, even the pediatrician can hardly believe that they were as premature as they were.

I promise to update more often, more pictures, and more videos. Such big boys!

Milestones, milestones

We have had a big couple of days!! The boys are growing up super fast, and hitting milestone after milestone. Two days ago, Isaac started army crawling! He still prefers the facecrawl, but if he sees a toy a couple inches in front of him, he will scoot his body along the carpet with his head up, and reach for it! And then, this:

He can sit up (and wouldn't sit still playing with the seahorse for me to take the pic)!!! He just, like, did it. I mean, I just looked over at him, and he was sitting, as if he had been doing it all along! It's just amazing to see your child discover new movements and perspectives. Think about, he's either seen things only from the floor, or from the height of our chests as we hold him up. Now everything looks different, just a foot higher than he was before.

And then today, Steve discovered that Gabriel has cut his first tooth! It's not quite 'up' yet, but it has poked through the gum. No wonder he has been so fussy this past week. I feel bad, because I just chalked it up to general Gabe fussiness. Never gave a thought to giving him Tylenol or anything. And as it turns out, he was teething. Oh, and it's his bottom left front tooth. My mom calls him "Mr. Gums" sometimes, because he flashes his gums when he smiles a big smile at you. No longer! And then, this:

We put him in the pack n play bassinet to contain him for a minute while we made breakfast, and Steve suddenly says "uh...Leah", I look over, and lo and behold, he has pulled himself up to kneeling position! He is balancing like that (and also not holding still for daddy to take this pic)! He's not done anything like this before.

I am thrilled that my little preemie Beans are hitting milestones, but my God boys, slow it down a bit! They are growing up so fast! In fact, when I found out about Gabe's tooth today, I just pulled him to me and hugged him tightly, smothering him with kisses and repeating "my baby, my little baby is growing up!!!" Yay for mommy hormones :) What big big boys I have.

Comfest!

Here are some pics to share from the local hippie/music/beer festival. Even though it was really effing hot, the boys did great, they just took alot of bottles, which is fine by me. We saw a few old friends and a few new ones. We just spent time together as a family sitting under the shade of an oak tree, I believe. I was positively sublimely happy (well, minus the heat and humidity and sheet of constant sweat that covered my body).

Gabe's first experience feeling grass

Which quickly progressed into this...'try and catch me!'

He loves sucking his lip in and making raspberries

Isaac says "I just woke up and we weren't here before and its HOT"

Steve and Isaac, my chunkers monkers!

Isaac and Mama

Isaac says "GIMME THAT BEER MA!"

As to the babies...

After my little introspective-ness, I figured I might as well accomplish what I started this blog for: update about those Beans! They are 8 months old, which means 8 months of me pumping mommy milk for them - Congratulations to me. They are absolutely thriving on it, combined with the bit of formula they do get.

Gabriel: He is fully crawling now. Like, for real. This kid is fast too. If I go in the kitchen to make a bottle, I need to poke my head back out in the main room every 10-15 seconds, otherwise this kid is wedged in the corner chewing on electrical cords somehow. He's also starting to make new sounds - the other day he made a "kah" sound. I believe that's his first consonant noise, everything else was a "oaaaaahhh" or "oooo". He is also completely fascinated by his own hands. He will lay there and just watch and he moves and turns them in front of his face. Also, he has become the squirmiest little bugger EVER. Trying to diaper and dress this kid after a bath is like trying to wrangle a wet feral cat.

Isaac: He has mastered the facecrawl, as we call it. I wish I had a picture of it. Head on floor, butt in the air, legs splayed out to the sides of his body, pushing himself along the carpet. He can balance like that and play with stuff underneath his body. It's kind of like a yoga downward dog pose, but with legs out at an angle as opposed to directly behind the body. He ends up with rugburn on his face and nose, poor kid. We always get in front of him and shake toys and say "Monkey!! look up here!! Isaac, look at mama!" But he continues to facecrawl. Oh wells. I'm still slightly worried about his development, but as many of my forum friends/moms of multiples have assured me, it's just in my nature to compare the babies, even though I would not be doing the same thing had they been born separately, not as twins.

Both: They have regular intervals of glorious twin interaction. They will be laying on the floor, or if you hold one baby in front of the other while he is seated in a bouncy or Bumbo, and they just laugh and smile at each other, and eat each other's hands and feet. It is ADORABLE, and leaves me teary-eyed and emotional.

We plan to take them to a local festival tomorrow, one where beer is plentiful and the atmosphere is fairly hippie-esque. We plan to single stroller one baby and wear the other, even though it will be damn near 8 million degrees, with 8 million percent humidity. It should be fun though. I look forward to this festival every year, and frankly, I will be quite a sight in my tie dye shirt with a baby strapped to my chest and a giant mug of beer in hand.

I am upset by the infrequency with which I update this blog. I have time, I do, when I pump, I can grab the computer and type out a little something, but ah, sheer laziness prevails. You know what else I am upset by? How uneducated I sound. That sounds pretentious, I know, but really, I used to write much more eloquently than I do now, and you could see all my years of hard schoolwork and essay writing in my words. I think its been a combination of my previously mind-numbing job, my lack of reading any literature recently, and my cramming of all the pregnancy/baby/prematurity information into my brain that has caused me to go 'stupider'. I fully subscribe to the idea that when an adult shoves some new information into their brain, something else falls out. For me, that something has been grammar and my aforementioned eloquence, my vocabulary, and also most of American history. Sorry Mr. Liebesman and 11th grade AP class.

I digress.

This will sound ungrateful, but recently I have realized how much of my being is completely consumed by caring for these beautiful babies. I really don't mean that in a bad sense. I just mean that I am so very different than I used to be. Sure, I still get upset and overreact to some little things, but for the most part, I am so much more mellow than I used to be. And my God am I a caretaker and a nurturer. It's all I do. Literally. I wonder do all new moms feel this way? Like you've lost yourself in a sense, just because of the sheer enormity of the task of taking care of a new baby - or two? I don't blame the babies, I don't blame anyone. I'm just kind of musing on how I feel. Every fiber of my being is centered around my children, and I don't really think that's a bad thing. I am growing and stretching in new directions, I just haven't fully realized them all yet. There is a need to find and grasp onto a little shred of 'me', though.

That said, I have noticed that my old foe Codependency is back. It creeped into my life silently and slowly as I reacted to the crisis of the babies' prematurity. Now I'm back to the feeling of being lost in everyone else and everything else, low self worth, and the pattern of overeating and over-exerting myself. Eh. I need to come back to myself and become centered again.

Thank you, readers, for coming with me on this rant/journey. I started this blog to post updates about the babies, but it really has allowed me a certain freedom to express myself, and I appreciate you being beside me.

Worried

So I have become worried about my little Isaac bean. Little being the key word here. He's always been 1-2 pounds lighter than his brother, which I'm told is normal. Up until a few weeks ago, he always ate about the same amount as his brother, maybe 1/2-1 ounce less a feeding. But again, I'm told he was eating normally for his weight. Over the past weeks, and it's happened gradually, he is not eating nearly as much as he used to. Instead of easily taking 5-6 oz a feeding, he is taking 3 or 4. He does get solids twice a day, cereal in the morning and a fruit or veggie in the evening. The thing is, everything else is normal. No fever, no more fussy than normal, eating solids very well, playing normally, lots of wet and dirty diapers. I will call the doctor on monday just to make sure. I guess I just don't want him to stop gaining weight well, and frankly I want him to be roughly the same size as his brother. I'm afraid of him being picked on or made fun of, or what have you. I'm so afraid that he is developmentally stunted as well, since Gabe does everything first. He doesn't really have an interest in sitting up, and he doesn't army crawl like Gabe, he kind of does this tripod thing where he sticks his butt up in the air, braces himself with his feet wide, and crawls around on his face. It works, but it's odd, and it doesn't get him to the next stage, actually crawling.

I'm just worried.

Happy Screams Gabe

Gabriel has learned to scream...it's more of a shrieking really. The funny thing is, it's a happy noise. He makes it when you give him a toy, pick him up, pretty much anytime. He's also getting really good at army crawling, as evidenced by this video I took earlier today. It is such a joy to watch him discover things, even if it does involve this ridiculous noise!

Things I love...

About my life right now. I feel the need to make this list, because lately the days have gotten really stressful. It's been hard being on my feet all day at work, then coming home and having the boys scream for hours while I try and put them to bed. Steve and I are effectively single parenting, because there is only ever one of us home. I know it's not the same, but it really feels like it. I feel like I'm constantly on edge. So I need to make a list to remind myself of the things that I love, the wonderful happy parts of motherhood. I love:

• The way those Beans smile when they wake up and see me first thing in the morning, it is just magical
• How I can immediately comfort them just by picking them up
• The fact that they can't yet fight off my constant kisses
• Seeing them discover things for the first time
• This isnt quite from them, but seeing how amazed the doctors, nurses, and physical therapists are by their progress and growth
• Gabe's efforts trying to crawl
• Isaac's high pitched happy squealing
• I think best of all, seeing the boys really interact for the first time

Next, I really need to start working on letting go of the preemie experience. I need to move beyond it, own it, integrate it into my being, but move on. How I am going to do this, I have no idea. But that's the next project, so to speak.

One Year Twins Anniversary

Today is is one year to the day that we found out we were having twins. We were in that ultrasound rule, Steve next to me, when the picture popped up on the screen. Steve quietly said "there's two...." as the my doc said "looks like there is a surprise...it's twins!". I couldn't believe it, yet at the same time I knew all along. With my other (lost) pregnancies, the thought never occurred to me that there might be multiples. But with this one, I don't know, it's hard to explain but I just had this feeling, the idea of twins just crept into my mind. Plus, I was SO sick. Constant vomiting, like every hour, not just in the morning, much more so than my previous pregnancies. I remember clutching my ultrasound picture and going back out to the desk at my OB's office to schedule my next appointment, and as the desk clerk began to speak, I just blurted out "there's two of them in there!!!!" while shoving the picture in her face. She and all the other secretaries squealed with delight and said "awwwwwwwwwww twins!". Little did I know what I was in for.

At 8 weeks along, I started wearing maternity pants. At 13-ish weeks, I needed maternity tops. Around 16-17 weeks, I felt the first flutters of fetal movement. I reveled in the pure joy of feeling my babies come to life inside me. 17 weeks - a boy. 20 weeks - another boy! I knew I was healthy and young, and everything was going fantastically in my pregnancy. Then, at 24 weeks and 5 days, we had the next ultrasound that changed our lives. My body's protective mechanisms were failing...the babies were in danger of being born. Rush to the hospital, get admitted to the high risk OB unit. My doc comes and tells me that if I deliver, the boys might not make it. I get released, to lay on my left side constantly. A couple weeks later, my blood pressure shoots up. 29 weeks 6 days - contractions begin. Back to the hospital. 4cm dilated. Magnesium Sulfate. 6cm dilated. Unstoppable contractions. 30 weeks 3 days, October 19, 2009 - delivery day. Isaac cries, Gabe is blue. Incredible post-op pain. Then comes watching the babies fight to thrive and grow for weeks. Pumping. Constant pumping. November 30th - Isaac comes home. December 19th - Gabe comes home. Life begins again.

I can't believe it's been a year. In some ways, it seems like it's always been this way, I've always been a mother. In other ways, it seems like my positive pregnancy test was just yesterday.

As to how the boys are doing now, beautifully is the best word I think. They both see and reach for toys that are farther away. They both are alert most of the time, with short naps throughout the day. We're getting into a routine. Isaac recently discovered his feet - which is what the picture is. They're eating solid food, mostly cereal, but with a fruit or a veggie every few days. They're not really sold on sweet potatoes, but they seem to enjoy pears.

As to me, my new job is awesome but exhausting. I'm on my feet all day, completely the opposite of my old job. My preceptor was wearing a pedometer today, and it counted 16,000 steps, roughly 6.5 miles. From just walking the floor, fetching things for people, taking vital signs. Then, after work, I have to come home and work more by taking care of the Beans. They are exhausting these days. But my job is actually helping me feel very connected to them, I don't know if it's just seeing all the mothers and their babies or what.

So it's been a crazy year, but it's been absolutely the most amazing year of my life.

Lots O Stuff

Why did I ever think that I would have time to adequately update this blog? These kids keep me BUSY. Lots and lots has happened since I posted last. Like, lots. Let's make a list!

• The boys had their 6 month well check-up. Gabe is 16lbs 4 oz, 26 inches long, and Isaac is 14lbs 7 oz, 24 inches long. They are developmentally advanced, given their prematurity. Some of the milestones they are hitting are things that 6 or 7 month olds should be doing, even though in reality they 'should' only be 4 months old. They also got 3 shots each, and were none too happy about it. The doc commended me for pumping breastmilk for them for 6 months and counting, as most women don't even continue breastfeeding this long.
  Isaac's reflux is still really bad. We have had to double the dosage of Zantac again, and this finally seems to be helping. He still screams for at least an hour every night, getting to the point where he is crying tears and breathless from the acid. It is horrible.



• We've started rice cereal! Well, kind of. We tried it with Isaac, but he still has a strong tongue thrust reflex, so he's not ready. Gabe eats it, but is very unsure. Tonight will be the 4th night of cereal feeding, so we'll see how that goes.



• As for me, I've started training for my new job. Once training is through, I'll be working twice a week and staying home with the boys the rest of the time. I am awesome at taking blood pressure, not so good with respirations. Learning all these healthcare terms and abbreviations is difficult! I absolutely detest being new and incompetent at things, so this has been hard for me. But I know it's good to challenge oneself every once in awhile, yadda yadda yadda.



• Gabe has learned how to jump up and down in the Jumperoo, and he loves it!

I think that's about it for now.

6 months old and a NICU visit

The Beans were 6 months old two days ago! I cannot believe they are that old already. I cannot believe it has been 6 months. This day six months ago, I had just held Isaac for the first time, which was one of the best moments of my life. The Beans are really developing into 'babies' now instead of being 'newborns'. They have head control, they can roll over, they can play with toys to a certain extent, and in general they understand that they can have an effect on their environment. In fact, they get incredibly bored if you keep them in one place or position for too long - I am constantly switching them between the bouncy chairs, the playmat, the jumperoo, etc.

To commemorate this milestone and to kind of make the experience more real, I took the Beans on a visit back to the NICU. It was actually quite nice, and I (amazingly) did not have a panic attack! We got to see Jen, one of the nurses who took care of the boys alot in the beginning, and she was the one who let me hold Isaac for the first time. We also saw Martell, who gave us our initial NICU tour on our hospital maternity tour (which I didn't pay attention to because of course, why would I ever have needed the NICU!?). And Katie, my friend who also happens to be a NICU nurse and took care of the boys on several occasions. The last nurse we saw was Joy, who was a great source of comfort to me, she had the boys alot, and helped me breastfeed them initially. Everyone was amazed at how big the Beans are, and they kept telling me that I'm doing a great job. Man, the smell of hospital, especially the NICU hallway, really brought back memories. Of course I heard the sound of the monitors going off, which also brought back a whole host of feelings. I still hear it in my sleep sometimes, "beep beep beep...beep beep. beep beep beep...beep beep". I remember holding Gabe and hearing that, and seeing my sweet baby's heart rate drop into the 60's from the 150's, and his blood oxygen saturation drop as well as he momentarily stopped breathing. I know they've come a long way, and I'm thankful for that, but those memories are still very sharp sometimes.

Overall, I am happy, and I'm amazed that I've made it this long pumping for the Beans. That mommy milky really fattens up preemies! Also, both boys are teething now, which is what the picture is, them chewing on our Pooh teething rings that great grandma Kolbe got them. OK, enough reminiscing, this post ended up being more about me than them! Time for sleep, since they are sleeping as well, and they'll be up in a couple of hours to eat.

Bedtime Routine

Recently we have started to institute a bedtime routine. Apparently some parents do this from birth almost, but honestly I never thought to. We usually start around 8:30, do a quick bath (every other day, but definitely a neck-folds cleaning every day), a little massage with some lavender lotion, feeding each bean, then rocking in the bouncies while I read them stories. Sounds nice, right? WRONG. Beans fight it like it's the plague. Don't know why. Isaac loves the bath, so I try and give him more time in there, but Gabe is discontented to be in the bouncy while I bathe Isaac, so he fusses. Lotion/massage time is OK. But feeding, oh my. Isaac whimpers and cries, and never takes a full feeding, even if it's been a few hours. Gabe has recently started to fight all feedings, moving his head from side to side and crying, taking a few drinks, fighting it again. It is ridiculous! It takes FOREVER to feed him. I can usually get him to take almost the full bottle though. Then both are fussy and screamy during storytime. Often, they scream throughout the whole routine, for about two hours straight. It is soooo trying, and I've had meltdowns where I scream back at them, something like "what could possibly be wrong with you!?!? NOTHING IS WRONG!!!". Of course that makes them scream harder, then I feel terrible. Parenting twins is just so challenging sometimes.

I hope this bedtime routine gets easier, and actually becomes a routine. Right now it feels like I'm fighting what they want to do, but in the same vein, they are always really tired by that time, so it makes sense to try and put them to sleep then. They have been falling asleep quicker it seems as time goes on. Again I'm finding myself in the space that seems to lie between attachment parenting and parenting twins. I can't always pay attention to every baby's needs and also save some sanity for myself. So I end up in this awkward place. For now I'll just continue to go with this and we'll see how it develops.

6 month checkup/Last day of work

Today the kids had their 6 month checkup at the neonatal clinic at the local children's hospital. In my area, all babies born before 33 weeks have follow ups there for the first two years of their lives. The boys had a developmental assessment with physical therapists as well as meeting with the nurses and doctors. They did a bunch of odd tests, like holding the boys in front of them and moving them very quickly to one side, evidently looking for some type of reflex or response. Isaac went along with all the tests, only had some resistance and fussing when they moved his neck to the torticolis side. Gabe, on the other hand, screamed the whole time. He was NOT a fan. They did brilliantly though, they are perfectly on track for their adjusted age. In fact, Gabe is even doing some things on his actual age level, things a 5 or 6 month old should be doing. For example, he grasps toys and bringing them to his mouth, and he constantly babbles vowel noises, "bababababa" and "whoaaaaaa" and blows raspberries.

My little Beans are becoming chunky monkeys, Isaac is 13lbs 7oz and Gabe is 15lbs 3oz! It is so fulfilling to know that they are gaining all this weight on mostly just my breastmilk. It makes this crazy pumping schedule worth it.

As to my last day of work - it is tonight! From now on I will be a mostly stay at home mommy, working part time as a nurse's aide. I cannot wait to finally be able to sleep a bit more, and to be home spending precious time with my boys all day. Now that the weather is getting nicer, we can start going out more on walks and to the store or the mall. My reality is quickly changing, and I cannot wait for this new chapter of all of our lives to begin.

Naming Ceremony

Last Friday, the boys had their Hebrew naming ceremony. It was incorporated into the normal Shabbat service. We had the boys dressed up in little vest and khaki pants outfits, which were totally adorable if I do say so myself. Midway through the service, the Rabbi called us up to the bima, and I read a Hebrew blessing as well as an english passage, and Steve read an english passage as well. Of course, in typical overly-emotional Leah fashion I got all teary eyed and voice-crackly while I was reading my passage, and I hugged Isaac close to me and kept kissing his head. The Rabbi then did a blessing, and 'officially' gave them their Hebrew names, Eliyaho for Gabriel, after their great grandpa Emery, and Yisrael for Isaac, after their great great grandpa Joe. The boys behaved beautifully, and in fact, Gabriel was completely entranced by the Rabbi as he spoke! We got to show them off to the congregants afterwards during the Oneg and everyone marvelled at how sweet and adorable they were! So the Beans are now officially Jewish boys :)

The Market

Today we visited a local market. Now that the weather is nice, we are finally starting to venture out with the boys more, and are starting to realize that we are actually capable of doing so. It's not as impossible of a task to take out two babies as it originally seemed. Actually, we've taken to putting one in the carseat and snapping it into the single stroller, and then wearing the other one in the Baby Bjorn. For this particular trip, Isaac was in the carseat, and he promptly passed out in the car and stayed that way throughout the whole excursion! I wore Gabe, and then we kind of passed him back and forth as we ate. Gabe is really starting to become interested in food, he watches intently as we eat, and follows the fork as we put food into our mouths. As evidenced by the pics I took today.

Daddy and Gabers

Thanks for the fork, Dad, now let's get down to business

Isaac enjoyed the trip also, I'm sure

My absolute FAVORITE pic, I think Gabe looks alot like Isaac here

Gabe is at the stage now where he wants to be standing constantly and looking around. He HATES the bouncy seat, and he loves the jumperoo where he can look all around and watch whatever we are doing. He is so inquisitive and determined, and he gets so upset when he wants to do something and is not quite coordinated enough to do it. It is hard to watch but so funny at the same time!

Updates Updates

Well I haven't posted in the past few days because these boys keep me super busy on my off days. A few new developments to list:

• I got my job at the hospital, to start in a few weeks, so I'll be staying home with the boys mostly and working part time
• I think they have both begun teething, judging by the drool, the fussies, and the constant need to chew on something
• Isaac is trying so hard to roll over, he just can't quite figure out what to do with his one arm
• Gabriel especially has started to respond to his name
• They LOVE it when I sing to them, it calms them down immensely

Things are still crazy hectic at the moment. I hardly ever sleep and am constantly exhausted. I've decided to take a couple weeks of 'break' between jobs, to devote more time to the Beans but really to catch up on sleep. As for them, they still have a 5-6 hour stretch of sleep at night, then every 3-4 hours until around 10am usually. I'm finding that I really just try and find things to occupy my time with them (reading books, baths, walks, visiting Nana and daddy at work) because I am just so worn down. I feel bad that I don't devote enough time to just mommy-Beans bonding time, but honestly, if I slow down, I fall asleep.

We did a mini photo shoot the other day, which is what the top picture is from. When my mom saw it, she shrieked at me, "LEAH! They're wearing maize and blue!!!!!?!?" Which honestly I didn't even see until she said that. I'd just picked out the only solid-color non graphic onesies we had, which just happened to be a dandelion color and a blue-green color. Oh well, I suppose it's kind of like men wearing pink - we feel secure enough in our Buckeyehood to wear blue and yellow. The above pic is really one of the only ones that turned out well, and I absolutely LOVE it.

We don't have a whole lot else going on, this coming week is a trip to the great grandparents house and then their Hebrew naming later in the week. I'm sure there will be a ton of pictures. For now, it's the beginning of my work week, which means no sleep and no time to see the Beans. Can't wait till this cycle is over.

First massage!

Today I tried out infant massage for the first time with Isaac. It was a beautiful bonding experience, and I hope it made him feel good physically, too.

I assembled all my stuff, oil, towels, sheet, extra diaper, cloth diaper, and turned on the space heater in the bedroom. Then I brought him in and sat down on the bed, legs out in front of me, knees bent, soles of feet touching (as if I was going to stretch my hip flexors), and put him in between my legs. His head was padded and raised a bit on my feet, facing me. I completely undressed him from the waist down, and went through a ritual swishing the oil in my hands, placing my warm hands on him, asking permission to massage him. He was loving the eye contact and the direct speaking to him. We started with the legs, gently but firming massaging them. The legs went well, but he got really squirmish and fussy about his feet. In the book, it says that preemies are often sensitive about their feet, owing to the numerous heel sticks, IVs, and the constant presence of the pulse oxygen monitor on their feet. I think that is the case here. I still took the time to work his little feet and toes though, as he would tolerate. I sang to him, and he seemed to love the experience of it. His eyes really light up when I sing to him.

Next we did the tummy. You start out just putting your hands on his belly and trying to relax yourself and therefore relax him. He got a bit kicky and fussy when I did this, but I continued. We did some of the techniques and he started crying and really fussing, which is whats supposed to happen as painful trapped gas is being released. I didn't hear any baby farts, but he did relax because he peed on me! But that's what the cloth diaper was for. I stopped and tried to calm him down by touching him, but it didn't work. So we stopped after about 7 or 8 minutes total, which is good for a first massage.

Apparently the tummy massage worked, because after I went back to bed, Steve said that Isaac had a huge poo. But then so did Gabers, and I didn't massage him. So who knows. On another note, it seems that the boys have started pooping in unison lately. An interesting twin development.

I will massage Gabe tomorrow, and try again with Isaac. Even if they get fussy, it is very peaceful just sitting/laying together and 'talking', and gazing into each other's eyes. Hopefully massage will help us make up for some of the bonding time that was lost due to their early entrance into the world.

An Apt Description

So I am reading the quintessential bible of baby massage, called "Infant Massage: A Handbook for Loving Parents" by Vimala McClure. Since the boys are ridiculously gassy, I figured they might benefit from some leg and tummy massage. There is a special chapter on prematurity that I literally just started reading, and the way McClure describes premature birth is perhaps the best I've seen it described. She writes:
"When a baby arrives into the world long before she is expected, the best-laid plans are obliterated. The quiet, warm, joyous welcome hoped for is abruptly replaced by a kind of violence we never imagined"(157).
I had never before heard the word 'violence' used to describe premature birth, but it is absolutely appropriate. There is a rushed and hectic atmosphere in the operating room, and the room is jam packed full of various hospital personnel. There is not even a question of what will happen after the birth, your babies are immediately hooked up to life-saving medical equipment. Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are completely ignored for the health of your baby. It is necessary, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. Especially with Gabe's emergency C section, he was literally ripped out of me in order to save his life. Violence indeed. Hearing it described this way makes me feel a bit more validated, that maybe I'm not crazy after all for having lasting effects from the whole experience. Perhaps that will help you all to understand why sometimes I seem 'stuck' on their prematurity.

5 month appt

This past week we took the Beans in for their 5 month pediatrician appointment. Well, it was really just an appointment for them to get Synagis (anti-RSV) shots, but we always see the doctor anyway. Isaac weighs 12lbs 7oz, and Gabe is 13lbs 14oz!!! They really have caught up weight-wise. The doctor is very pleased with their weight gain, especially given that they mostly get straight breastmilk, not formula. That mommy milky really chunks 'em up! Developmentally, Gabe has completely bypassed his prematurity in some ways, he is hitting the milestones that a 4 to 5 month old should be (but of course he is, right, I mean, he is my child)! He has almost complete head control, and he can roll from back to tummy and tummy to back. Isaac is doing just fine for a 3 month old, which is really what they are. He can roll from his back to his side, and he is starting to rock back and forth while on his tummy. He holds his head up at a 90 degree angle when on his tummy, he is so strong. Gabe babbles constantly, and Isaac is all smiles and giggles, especially when they look at each other.

They took their shots like champs, screaming momentarily but then moving on. Poor Beans. Luckily, this is the last Synagis forever! No more monthly shots. Well, of course I believe they get a bunch of booster shots at the next checkup in a month. Oh well, better to get shots than get polio or diphtheria.

Steve's mom sent us some pictures yesterday of Steve when he was a baby and also of Steve's dad Gus when he was a child. Oddly enough, though we think Gabriel looks like my family most of the time, he looks JUST like Steve in these pics. Isaac looks exactly like Gus. It really is true, I somehow managed to gestate one baby resembling each family. Very intriguing, uterus.

Gabriel's Story

To Gabriel:

My big boy. This is your story.

On April 21st, 2009, your father and I found out that I was pregnant. We were overjoyed. Then, on May 15th, we found out with much surprise that we were expecting twins! We were thrilled, but also terrified. I was unsure if my body could support two growing people, or if we would have enough love for two babies. Our fears quickly went away as you and your brother started to grow inside me. I didn't feel you as much as I felt your brother during my pregnancy, because your placenta, which supplied you with food, was in the front of my tummy. But I distinctly remember the first time daddy felt you kick - it was early morning, sometime in mid August. We were laying in bed together, just having woken up, and you started to move around, way over on my left side. I quickly grabbed your dad's hand and put it on my belly, and sure enough *kick* he felt you. His eyes lit up, he was so happy.

Everything was going quite well with my pregnancy until I was about 25 weeks pregnant. We went in for a routine ultrasound, and it showed that my body was preparing to give birth, but it was way too early. So I was admitted to the hospital, and I had to get some painful shots called betamethasone that were to help your lungs develop. The hospital was a dreary place to be, but every morning the nurse came in to put monitors on my tummy, and I got to hear your heartbeats. It was such an amazing thing to hear, so beautiful. Two strong little hearts, beating away. After a week, the doctors saw that my body was no longer changing, so I was allowed to go home on strict bedrest. I could only get up to shower and use the bathroom, and your dad had to completely take care of me. He brought me salami sandwiches, french toast, and Dr. Pepper, which was what I craved! I laid on my left side all day and night. After 5 weeks, I started getting these regular crampy feelings, and I knew it was time to go to the hospital. I was 30 weeks pregnant.

Grampy drove me to the hospital, and there the nurses told me that I was indeed in labor. They had to put a needle in my hand to give me a medication called magnesium sulfate to try and stop my labor, because it was 10 weeks too soon. The medication made me feel very sick, and I also had to get more betamethasone shots. I stayed on that medicine for three days. Finally, on October 19th, you and your brother decided not to wait any longer, and the medication stopped working. The doctors wheeled me back to the operating room, and in about 6 or 7 pushes, your brother was born. The doctors immediately put the ultrasound machine on my tummy to see where you were. You had flipped around so your head was by my ribcage and your feet were down in my pelvis. Every time I had a contraction, your umbilical cord got pinched and it cut off your supply of oxygen. The doctors tried to turn you around by pushing on you from outside my tummy, but it didn't work. So they had to do an emergency surgery to get you out of my tummy. At 11:40pm, a half hour after your brother, you were born, weighing 4lbs even and 17 3/4 inches long. You were not breathing very well and you were blue. Your father and I were very happy but very scared because you did not cry right away, as your brother had. I remember asking the nurses "why isn't he crying?". The doctors had to use a special oxygen mask to help you breathe, and they had to suction out your mouth. Once that was done, you started screaming to let us know you were OK, and we were so relieved!

They then took you to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) to take care of you while they finished my surgery. When they were done, daddy wheeled me in to see you. You needed a little bit of extra oxygen to help you breathe, so they had you hooked up to a CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine. It blew air with more oxygen into your nose. Apparently you didn't like it being on your face, and you kept opening your mouth and the extra oxygen would flow out. They had to put a padded chin strap on you to keep you from doing that. You also had two IV lines in your belly button, one to measure your blood pressure, and one to give you food, because you were too little to suckle. It was very hard for me to see you hooked up to all this equipment, and I felt guilty for delivering you so early. When we were visiting you that night, I put my finger in your little hand, and you grabbed onto me. You were showing me that you knew I was there and that I was your mommy. I cried, because I was both sad and happy at the same time.

The nurses told us that you were having retractions, meaning that you were sucking in your little chest muscles every time you breathed. It meant that you were working harder than you needed to be, so something was wrong. The doctor told me that they might have to intubate you, meaning put a breathing tube down your throat and hook you up to a machine that breathed for you. They would have done that in order to give you a medicine called surfactant, which helps you breathe better. But luckily, you did OK enough on your own, the retractions went away, and they never had to intubate you. Again, your father and I were very relieved.

You were a little less stable than your brother, so I didnt get to hold you until October 24th, when you were six days old. Not only did I get to hold you, but I got to do kangaroo care with you! That was when they stripped you down to your diaper, and I took off my shirt, and they placed you skin to skin on my chest, putting a blanket over us. You loved it, and it was so comforting to me. You started gaining weight quickly, and we took to calling you "chunks" or "chunkster" on account of your chunky cheeks! When you were 32 weeks gestation, two weeks old, I breastfed you for the first time. Your father and I loved to give you bottles too, but it was scary sometimes because you would often stop breathing and your heart rate would drop. We had to pace you very carefully while you ate so this would not happen. It took you several weeks, but you eventually figured out how to suck, swallow, and breathe all at the same time. You had your own schedule that you were going by, and no one was going to tell you what to do and when!

You and your brother were six weeks old when he came home. The day I came to pick him up, I sat and held you and cried because I had to leave you there. I tried to come see you every day, but sometimes I couldnt, because we were taking care of your brother. I felt so bad every time we couldnt make it to see you. I called to check on you twice daily though, and the nurses reassured me that you were their "cuddle buddy" because you loved for them to hold you. There was also an aquarium cradle swing that they used in the NICU, and you loved to be sat in that swing and rocked gently side to side.

Towards the end of your NICU journey, you stopped eating well, and the nurses knew something was wrong. It turns out that you had a bad bladder infection, and they put you on several antibiotics immediately. I was really upset to hear about this, knowing that you were in pain and that there was nothing I could do for you. Honestly though, you did not seem that bothered by it, aside from some of the diagnostic procedures that you had to go through. Finally, on December 19th, 2009, a week before your due date (which was Christmas Day), you got to come home. At discharge, you weight 8lbs. 1oz., more than double your birthweight! Daddy went to pick you up, because I was sick and had a fever and the staff wouldnt let me into the NICU. We were so excited to have you home!

When you got home, we immediately took you into the bedroom and laid you on the bed next to Isaac. You two had not seen each other or been together since being in my tummy. You each turned your heads and looked at each other, and flailed your little arms, and you would get so excited when you accidentally touched! You seemed to recognize each other right away.

We went through so much together when you were in the hospital. I appreciate you just that much more, having had you taken away from me at birth. It changed my life having you, not just because we were having children, but because you were born so early. You are a part of my soul, sweet boy, and it physically hurt me to be apart from you. I missed you constantly, and felt so empty leaving the hospital every night without you in my arms. You two are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God every day that you are healthy, and that I am lucky enough to have you in my life. I love you.

Isaac's Story

As part of my counseling for the NICU PTSD, my counselor wants me to write out the whole story, but write it as a letter to each boy. So last night I wrote Isaac's story, and it was very cathartic, so I've decided to share the story with you. I will eventually handwrite it out and put it in my scrapbook for him to read when he is ready. I know I briefly wrote out the physical details before, but this is from a different perspective in a way. So, here we go.

To Isaac:

My sweet boy. On April 21st, 2009, I found out I was pregnant. Your father and I were so incredibly excited. On May 15th, 2009, we went for our first ultrasound. As soon as the picture popped up on the screen, we could clearly see that there were two little beans, you and your brother. The doctor looked at us and said "I've got a surprise for you! It's twins!". Not gonna lie, I was shocked - and terrified. How was my body going to be able to support two people? Did I have enough love for two babies? Did we have enough money to support a bigger family? Those fears quickly melted as you and your brother grew inside me. I felt you kick for the first time in August, when your father and I went to Ocean City, Maryland on vacation. Maybe you liked the beach, because you started kicking up a storm in my tummy as I laid in the sun. Daddy could feel you kick, too. My pregnancy went very well, until I was almost 25 weeks along. We went in for another ultrasound, and the technician noticed that my body was changing, preparing for your birth, but it was far too early for that. So I was admitted to the hospital.

I stayed in the hospital for one week. It was hard being there, but it was nice too, because the nurse came in every morning and put monitors on my belly that allowed me to hear your and your brothers' heartbeats. I loved that - it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. I had to get two very painful shots called betamethasone, which is a medicine that helped you and your brothers' lungs develop faster. At the end of that week, the doctors sent me home, but said that I had to be on strict bedrest, meaning that I had to lay down on my left side all the time, only getting up to shower and to use the bathroom. Your father had to do everything for me, cook, clean, bring me food. He did a wonderful job taking care of me. On the day that I was 30 weeks pregnant, I started having cramps that got stronger and closer together. So I had your Grampy drive me to the hospital. When I got there, the nurse told me I was in labor, and that you and your brother were going to come much earlier than expected. I immediately called your dad, who was at work at the time. The doctors then put a needle in my hand to give me a medicine called magnesium sulfate, which helped stop my labor. It made me feel very sick though, and I had to stay on that medication for three days. I also got two more of the betamethasone shots. Finally, on October 19th, you and your brother decided you couldn't wait anymore, and the drugs stopped working.

They wheeled me back to the operating room and in about 6 or 7 pushes, you were born, at 11:10pm. You weighed 2 pounds 15 ounces, and were 16 inches long. You cried right away, even though you were two and a half months premature. You were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, and both your father and I started crying tears of joy (though your father may deny that!). The doctors quickly took you away and gave you some extra oxygen to help you breathe. You were then taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), while I had surgery in order for your brother to be born. After the surgery, daddy wheeled me into the NICU to see you. We saw you first, and you were so small and skinny. The thing that shocked me the most was how tan you were! Your skin was so much darker than mine, it was just like your dad's. We called you "our little tan man". You were hooked up to a machine called CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure). There were prongs in your nose, and it blew extra oxygen and air directly in your lungs to help you breathe. But you were breathing on your own, you just needed a little extra help. You also had an umbilical catheter and a central line through your belly button to help give you fluids and food. It was very hard for me to see you hooked up to all that equipment, and I felt very guilty for having had you so early. Please don't take this the wrong way, but to me you looked almost like a cute little baby monkey, so Nana and I started calling you "monkey". We both fell in love with you.

On October 21st, your third day of life, I got to hold you for the first time. I came down to visit you after I'd eaten dinner, and the nurse had you all wrapped up like a baby burrito. She had to take off your CPAP machine to hand you to me, and you were so much happier without it. But your lungs weren't working like they should be yet, so she had to reattach it once you were in my arms, and you screamed and cried. It was so hard for me to watch. Holding you for the first time was one of the best moments of my life. I looked into your little eyes, and you looked right back at me. I sat there and held you and cried more tears of joy for an hour.

For two days, you had to be put under special lights called 'bililights', because you were jaundiced. They were very bright lights, and the nurses gave you special little sunglasses to put over your eyes to protect them. It was adorable!

You had to stay on the CPAP machine for 6 days, then you were able to breathe and get enough oxygen on your own. By that time, my milk had come in, so you were being fed my breastmilk via a tube down your throat directly into your tummy. You were too young to suck on a bottle, and this way you did not have to waste energy eating, you just got immediately full whenever you were hungry! You continued to improve and grow as you stayed in the hospital. Your father and I came to visit you every day, multiple times a day. Your isolette was right next to Gabriel's.
About three weeks into your hospital stay, you got sick. I had woken up in the middle of the night to pump breastmilk for you, and I had a message on my cell phone from the NICU asking me to call them about you. I was terrified. I called them, and they told me that you had had blood in your poop. It was a sign that your tummy was not working properly. They had put a needle in your hand to give you extra fluids, and they stopped feeding you milk in order to let your tummy rest. They were afraid that you had a disease called NEC (necrotizing entercolitis), which is very serious and babies can die from it. I was so upset I could not go back to sleep, so I went to visit you in the hospital. You were so angry that they weren't feeding you, you just yelled and screamed. The nurses said that was a good sign though, because it meant that you didn't feel sick. They took your blood and ran lots of tests on you, and after a few hours they told me that the tests were normal, and that you did not have NEC. Your father and I were so relieved and happy! They think your tummy reacted badly to something called human milk fortifier, which was baby formula that they were adding to my milk to help you gain weight faster. So they stopped adding it to your milk after that, and you recovered wonderfully.

Shortly after that, you began to drink out of a bottle, and never looked back! They hardly ever had to feed you with the gavage tube after that. Your dad and I would schedule the time we visited you so that we got to give you a bottle - we loved it. I started to try and breastfeed you then, too, but it was alot of work for both of us. We also often did what is called 'kangaroo care', where they stripped you down to a diaper, and I took off my shirt and the nurses placed you on my chest. That was my absolute favorite. It was so comforting for me to feel your little warm body on my skin, gently breathing. We did that for several hours every day.

After 5 weeks, you weighed a little over 4 pounds, and the nurses took you out of your heated isolette and put you in a regular open crib. It was a big milestone! You were wrapped in lots of blankets, and it became your job to keep your body temperature stable. You did such a wonderful job! You stayed in that open crib for about a week. On November 31st, 2009, your six week birthday, after 42 days in the NICU, you came home with your dad and I. You weighed 4 pounds and 14 ounces.

That first night was very scary for your father and I, because suddenly we were by ourselves with you. We had gotten used to always having a nurse or doctor there in case we had any questions. We mostly just held you - after having been separated from you for so long, I did not want ever want to put you down. We eventually got into a routine, you ate alot, I did more kangaroo care with you, and we took naps together. You had daddy and I to yourself for almost three weeks before your brother came home!

It was absolutely life-changing to have you, not just because we were having babies, but because you were born so early. You are a part of me, sweet boy, a part of my soul. It physically hurt me to be separated from you for those first couple months. I missed you constantly, and spent every spare moment I had at the hospital with you and your brother. Your brother came home on December 19th, 2009, your two month birthday, and our family was finally complete. You two are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God every day that you are healthy, and that I am lucky enough to have you in my life. I love you.

Visits

Today we took the Beans to my parents house for a visit. My grandparents came over too, since they live close by and there are no stairs to navigate, unlike at the apartment. It is just wonderful to see them get so excited to see the boys every time we visit. How truly amazing it must be to see and hold and interact with your great grandchildren. Isaac gave "GGMa" alot of smiles today when we first arrived, which was awesome.

The Beans also got to see Dave and Lauren, my parents' long time friends from temple. Lauren got us these ADORABLE polo style rompers, one being orange and white stripe and the other green and white. They are 9 month size...I just cannot imagine my boys ever being that big. The tag says "16-20 lbs", and Gabe is about 13 lbs now. I know it will happen, obviously, they will get to that size and far beyond. It just seems unbelievable to me now.

Then the Beans got to meet "Fun Aunt Gaby", my best friend who is in grad school out in California, so she hadn't yet meet them in person!

She got to hold Gabers for a long time, as he drooled constantly and played with a rattle. I know the boys are not teething yet, but you'd think they were, for the amount that they drool. Apparently they just haven't yet developed the muscle control in their mouths to swallow their saliva, so it just drip drops out onto everything. Anyhoodle, it was awesome to see and catch up with Gaby, I miss her terribly when she is at school. I wish she was closer so she could come hang out with the Beans every week.

Oh, and poor Isaac. We tried to switch his formula from organic soy formula to Similac Alimentum, which is hypoallergenic and predigested (lovely), because its supposed to be the best for gassy and refluxy babies. Problem is, it smells like death. Well, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but it does smell like moldy potatoes. I mixed it with a bit of breastmilk just to temper it, then tried to feed it to a hungry Isaac bean. He HATED it. I've never seen him refuse a bottle before, but he kept whimpering and turning his head from side to side to avoid getting the nipple in his mouth. I felt horrible trying to get him to take it, and obviously after I saw that he really wasn't going to eat it, I chucked it. Oh well, there's $30 down the drain. Guess we will just have to deal with the gassies from the soy formula. Of course, there is also the ever-present guilt about occasional formula feeding too. Sigh.

On the Gabe front, he rolled from his back onto his side today, and then discovered that apparently it is a fantastic position for sucking one's thumb.

I'm a rockstar mom.

Because we took our first walk outside together in the stroller! It took a LOT of schlepping on my part, and fighting with the stroller. Get two babies strapped into carseats. Schlep carseats down the stairs and out to the car where the stroller is. Unfold stroller and assemble trays. Snap carseats into trays. Only then can we start the walk. And let me tell you, the Graco Duoglider, while a reliable basic tandem stroller, was NOT built for offroading. There are no sidewalks where I live, so I have no choice. Those Beans were so bouncy! Gabe fell asleep right away, Isaac was a bit disconcerted by all the bouncing and whimpered, but then he too fell asleep. We walked all the way to daddy's work and back, 2 miles total. I had to fight with that stroller to keep it on course, but we made it! And back! And I didnt have a heart attack! Amazing!

It was so invigorating to get outside and breathe in some fresh air. I'd like to think it did the Beans good too, though when we arrived at Steve's work and they woke up, they were a tad confused as to how they got there. Isaac slept for two hours straight when we got home, and Gabe slept for at least an hour.

I am also a rockstar because these boys are 5 months old. They have come SO far from their very early beginnings, and now they are catching up developmentally and getting chubby on that mommy milky. It feels so wonderful and fulfilling to know that I nourished them to this point. I am so proud of my little men, they are so incredibly resilient and strong.

Some pics from today:

Gabers pre-walk

Isaac pre-walk

We made it!

Post-walk Beans

Post-walk Mama!

Baby's Breath

This morning, Isaac was being pretty fussy after he ate. Steve and I were both trying to go back to sleep, so I turned to my left side and pulled Isaac in close to me. His head was resting on my arm, and his face was across from mine, his body turned toward me. As he breathed, I felt each sweet little baby breath on my face. It was beautiful, another one of those "Wow, I created this little person, I created this breath" moments. Though I was exhausted, I couldn't help but open my eyes and stare at his sweet face. Five months ago today, I became a mama. It was the best and hardest thing I've ever done. But it is so amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my Beans.

Roly Poly

Just a quick note: Gabe rolled over from belly to back for the first time yesterday! I missed it since I was asleep after a long night of work. In fact, Uncle Chris was the only one to see him the first time, then Steve was able to get a video of the next time, and he showed it to me when I woke up. My sweet boy is growing and learning!

Wants vs. Needs

I've realized that the best way to describe raising twins is to discuss wants vs. needs. With one baby, of course the baby's needs come first, but there is time left over for some of the 'wants'. Of course, my only experience with a singleton is the three weeks we had Isaac home before Gabe was discharged. But between feedings and diaper changes, there was extra time...time for things like reading a book to him, playing, maybe even wearing him and getting a few things that I want to do done! But with twins, it's a constant game of needs. Someone always needs to be fed. Or changed. Or burped. Or cleaned up because they drooled/puked everywhere. Or soothed because they are upset. Or rocked to sleep because they are fighting it. There is never any time for the 'wants'. I no longer have time to kangaroo them or to read them stories. It's sad, really, but our days are simply about survival. Maybe when they are older and can go longer between feedings, then we can get more of the fun stuff in. It's just so hard going on 5 months now of constant needs (and no sleep for mommy!). I just have to keep remembering 'someday, this will change, things will get better'.

Screamy Bean

Tonight we had a scary occurrence. I had just finished feeding Gabriel and put him down in the bouncy seat, because Isaac started crying for food. So I'm feeding Isaac, and Gabe is getting fussier and fussier, but I assume it's just because I'd had to put him down to feed his brother, and he wanted the attention. So I talk to and make faces at him, but he keeps getting more and more upset. Luckily, Isaac started to fall back asleep after a couple of ounces, so I put him down and picked up Gabe. I tried rocking him and soothing him, at this point he was hot and sweaty from crying so much. I don't just mean crying, I mean screaming bloody murder...like the way they scream when they get shots. Red-faced, tears streaming, stiffening his body, screaming at the top of his lungs. I'm kinda starting to freak out, because nothing I do calms him. Maybe he's hungry? I offer him the boob, he takes a little, but cries through it. Maybe he needs changed? Take him to the changing table, diaper is clean. I strip him out of his clothes anyway, thinking maybe a hair is wrapped around his toe or something ridiculous like that. Nothing. So I took off my shirt and just held him skin to skin on my chest and walked around the apartment. Eventually, he settled down.

I still have no idea what it was about. It's amazing how hard it is to keep your head together when your baby is screaming for some unknown reason. He slept for 2 straight hours after that incident. Poor little bean.

Although as I write this, I'm realizing that it happened right after a feeding - it could have been reflux. But he's never had it this bad. Also, he didn't spit up at all...before we realized that Isaac had severe reflux, he would scream like that, but he projectile vomited almost his whole feeding when he had an episode. I'll have to remember to ask the doctor at their next checkup. I wish I wasn't at work, so I could give that Bean some extra love and mama snuggles tonight!

Musings on Attachment Parenting

In theory, I am totally on board with the principles of attachment parenting. I read them when I was pregnant, and thought, "oh how wonderful, this completely makes sense and goes with my natural mothering instincts". In practice though, with preemie twins, it doesn't quite go as planned. I try not to beat myself up about not adhering religiously to the ideals, and try to remind myself that my children will still be plenty bonded and empathetic even if they are not constantly held and breastfed. I have looked for information on attachment parenting twins but really I can't find hardly anything out there. So here are my observations from my almost 5 months of twin parenting, principle by principle (Find them here).

1. Birth bonding

The idea here is that you need to bond with your baby immediately after birth in order to cement your relationship. They do concede, however, that when it is not possible because of medical complications, like in my case, that that magical 'hours after birth' window is not so strict. I can attest to that. I held and practiced kangaroo care with them as soon as possible, and I interact with and hold them as much as I can now. My bond with them is indeed strong in this way, I feel like I've learned to respond to their subtle cues and their needs. So this is one principle that worked for me and my boys.

2. Breastfeeding

This is the sorest subject. I want SO BADLY to breastfeed them, but as each day goes by, that goal seems farther and farther away. I know women who have 30 weekers who have learned to nurse, and have done so for years, just like I wanted. But what I've realized is that these women had something I don't have: time. They were not the breadwinners, they were able to stay home with their babies and work on breastfeeding every day when they were discharged from the NICU. I wish with all my might that this was my case. As much as I try not to be, I am still bitter than my need to work and my workplace's inflexibility about my time off dictates the breastfeeding relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with my boys. True, we still try and nurse. Lord knows I've spent buckets of money on lactation consultants, breastpump rental to keep my supply up, nipple shields, and that nursing supplementer. I'm doing all that I can, rationally, I know this. But emotionally, I feel like I fail. Every time I have to give these boys a bottle, I feel like I fail. But I do my best, even when I pump all that I can and there still isn't enough breastmilk. When they get bottles, I hold them tightly and look at them and talk to them, and remind them how yummy their "mommy milky" is and how good it is for them. So, do I breastfeed? Kind of. But I have to remind myself that I am responding to my babies' needs, which is an overriding principle of attachment parenting, and also common sense.

3. Babywearing

Again, here, I kind of fail. I try and wear them when I can, both boys enjoy the Moby Wrap and the Baby Bjorn. But I feel guilty wearing one and not the other if they are both awake and alert, you know? So even if I'm wearing one, it's not like I can go and do things around the house, because I still have another baby to attend to. If I had a singleton, I would wear them around constantly, and would be alot more mobile (and probably less depressed). Also, with the pumping ever 2-3 hours, I have to put them down and take off the whole wrap to do that, which is a hassle. But then I guilt myself by thinking, 'shouldn't you be willing to go through some hassle for the betterment of your children?!'. Sigh. I do take advantage of time when one boy is asleep and the other awake to be able to wear them. I look forward to when Steve and I can go

on walks together and we can each wear one boy.

4. Co-Sleeping

I succeed! When Isaac came home, we started out with him in the crib across the room from us. That still seemed like too far away, and I couldnt see him through the bumper (even though it is a 'breatheable' one). As a nervous first time preemie mom, I needed to neurotically check on him every second to make sure he was still alive and breathing. Then I read about 'sidecarring' the crib to the big bed, and I was on board immediately! So that's what we did, took the front panel off the crib and attached it to the bed on my side. This way, my Beans are within arms reach all night. We can nurse and I can hold them whenever they need something. I LOVE IT!

5. No Crying It Out

Here's another sore subject - this is not always possible with demanding and fussy twins. Often, someone just has to wait his turn and cry and scream while I attend to the other one's needs. It is so hard to listen to your baby cry, have them look up at you for help, and to not be able to do anything. For example, when they both wake up hungry at the same time. If we could breastfeed, I could tandem nurse them. But since that isn't possible, I have to feed them one at a time. I feel so terribly guilty when one of them has to cry, and of course I fear that they will think I am deliberately ignoring them and that I don't care. If I had a singleton, I feel like I would respond immediately to their needs, the baby would hardly ever cry, because my arms would be open and waiting. Of course that is a romanticized notion of singleton parenthood, I'm sure. But again, I do the best that I can with this principle.

6. Beware of Baby Trainers

This principle basically states that you need to watch out for the well meaning but ill informed advice of others who want to enforce rigid rules on you and your baby. Happily, I've been lucky that most people who give me advice or have a hand in caring for the twins are on the same page as me. My mother especially has a really good grasp on reality (far more so than I), and will remind me "Leah, they're not going to die if they cry for a bit while you attend to the other one". She would never advocate shutting them in a room and letting them scream for hours, but at the same time, she realizes that realistically, you cannot always meet everyone else's needs all the time. Flexibility is a must with multiples. It would be silly to try and force them to always eat at the same time if they are not both hungry. Do we always offer the other one a bottle if his brother is hungry? Of course. But we don't force him to eat.

7. Balance

I'm getting better with this. As you can see if you've gotten this far, I have a tremendous amount of guilt, mostly from their premature birth and feeling like I've lost the chance to give them the best start in life. So when the opportunity presents itself for me to get some rest or relaxation, it's hard for me to take it because I feel like I don't deserve it. Even creating this blog is cathartic for me, but I feel bad taking time away from the boys to post here. How ridiculous is that? I am learning to do things for myself again, though. I take naps when trusted friends come over to watch the boys. I soak in a scalding hot bath at my parents' house while they watch the boys. If I want a beer, and Steve is home too, I have a beer! This principle is really my number one advice for new parents-to-be: take time for yourselves too. No matter how guilty you may feel taking time away from your baby[ies], you will be repaid mightily for taking care of yourself.

That said, I know these principles are guidelines. They're not meant to be taken absolutely literally and strictly every time. I think I grasp for something solid and strict to hold onto because I was thrown so abruptly into parenthood far earlier than I expected. I lost an entire trimester of reading books, advice from others, and preparation. Its hard for me to just accept our situation as it is and flow with what my children need from me as they develop. Parenting is a constant learning process, especially when children are this young and developing so much each day. I do my best to keep up with it, and when I can't, I learn from it.