Musings on Attachment Parenting

In theory, I am totally on board with the principles of attachment parenting. I read them when I was pregnant, and thought, "oh how wonderful, this completely makes sense and goes with my natural mothering instincts". In practice though, with preemie twins, it doesn't quite go as planned. I try not to beat myself up about not adhering religiously to the ideals, and try to remind myself that my children will still be plenty bonded and empathetic even if they are not constantly held and breastfed. I have looked for information on attachment parenting twins but really I can't find hardly anything out there. So here are my observations from my almost 5 months of twin parenting, principle by principle (Find them here).

1. Birth bonding

The idea here is that you need to bond with your baby immediately after birth in order to cement your relationship. They do concede, however, that when it is not possible because of medical complications, like in my case, that that magical 'hours after birth' window is not so strict. I can attest to that. I held and practiced kangaroo care with them as soon as possible, and I interact with and hold them as much as I can now. My bond with them is indeed strong in this way, I feel like I've learned to respond to their subtle cues and their needs. So this is one principle that worked for me and my boys.

2. Breastfeeding

This is the sorest subject. I want SO BADLY to breastfeed them, but as each day goes by, that goal seems farther and farther away. I know women who have 30 weekers who have learned to nurse, and have done so for years, just like I wanted. But what I've realized is that these women had something I don't have: time. They were not the breadwinners, they were able to stay home with their babies and work on breastfeeding every day when they were discharged from the NICU. I wish with all my might that this was my case. As much as I try not to be, I am still bitter than my need to work and my workplace's inflexibility about my time off dictates the breastfeeding relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with my boys. True, we still try and nurse. Lord knows I've spent buckets of money on lactation consultants, breastpump rental to keep my supply up, nipple shields, and that nursing supplementer. I'm doing all that I can, rationally, I know this. But emotionally, I feel like I fail. Every time I have to give these boys a bottle, I feel like I fail. But I do my best, even when I pump all that I can and there still isn't enough breastmilk. When they get bottles, I hold them tightly and look at them and talk to them, and remind them how yummy their "mommy milky" is and how good it is for them. So, do I breastfeed? Kind of. But I have to remind myself that I am responding to my babies' needs, which is an overriding principle of attachment parenting, and also common sense.

3. Babywearing

Again, here, I kind of fail. I try and wear them when I can, both boys enjoy the Moby Wrap and the Baby Bjorn. But I feel guilty wearing one and not the other if they are both awake and alert, you know? So even if I'm wearing one, it's not like I can go and do things around the house, because I still have another baby to attend to. If I had a singleton, I would wear them around constantly, and would be alot more mobile (and probably less depressed). Also, with the pumping ever 2-3 hours, I have to put them down and take off the whole wrap to do that, which is a hassle. But then I guilt myself by thinking, 'shouldn't you be willing to go through some hassle for the betterment of your children?!'. Sigh. I do take advantage of time when one boy is asleep and the other awake to be able to wear them. I look forward to when Steve and I can go

on walks together and we can each wear one boy.

4. Co-Sleeping

I succeed! When Isaac came home, we started out with him in the crib across the room from us. That still seemed like too far away, and I couldnt see him through the bumper (even though it is a 'breatheable' one). As a nervous first time preemie mom, I needed to neurotically check on him every second to make sure he was still alive and breathing. Then I read about 'sidecarring' the crib to the big bed, and I was on board immediately! So that's what we did, took the front panel off the crib and attached it to the bed on my side. This way, my Beans are within arms reach all night. We can nurse and I can hold them whenever they need something. I LOVE IT!

5. No Crying It Out

Here's another sore subject - this is not always possible with demanding and fussy twins. Often, someone just has to wait his turn and cry and scream while I attend to the other one's needs. It is so hard to listen to your baby cry, have them look up at you for help, and to not be able to do anything. For example, when they both wake up hungry at the same time. If we could breastfeed, I could tandem nurse them. But since that isn't possible, I have to feed them one at a time. I feel so terribly guilty when one of them has to cry, and of course I fear that they will think I am deliberately ignoring them and that I don't care. If I had a singleton, I feel like I would respond immediately to their needs, the baby would hardly ever cry, because my arms would be open and waiting. Of course that is a romanticized notion of singleton parenthood, I'm sure. But again, I do the best that I can with this principle.

6. Beware of Baby Trainers

This principle basically states that you need to watch out for the well meaning but ill informed advice of others who want to enforce rigid rules on you and your baby. Happily, I've been lucky that most people who give me advice or have a hand in caring for the twins are on the same page as me. My mother especially has a really good grasp on reality (far more so than I), and will remind me "Leah, they're not going to die if they cry for a bit while you attend to the other one". She would never advocate shutting them in a room and letting them scream for hours, but at the same time, she realizes that realistically, you cannot always meet everyone else's needs all the time. Flexibility is a must with multiples. It would be silly to try and force them to always eat at the same time if they are not both hungry. Do we always offer the other one a bottle if his brother is hungry? Of course. But we don't force him to eat.

7. Balance

I'm getting better with this. As you can see if you've gotten this far, I have a tremendous amount of guilt, mostly from their premature birth and feeling like I've lost the chance to give them the best start in life. So when the opportunity presents itself for me to get some rest or relaxation, it's hard for me to take it because I feel like I don't deserve it. Even creating this blog is cathartic for me, but I feel bad taking time away from the boys to post here. How ridiculous is that? I am learning to do things for myself again, though. I take naps when trusted friends come over to watch the boys. I soak in a scalding hot bath at my parents' house while they watch the boys. If I want a beer, and Steve is home too, I have a beer! This principle is really my number one advice for new parents-to-be: take time for yourselves too. No matter how guilty you may feel taking time away from your baby[ies], you will be repaid mightily for taking care of yourself.

That said, I know these principles are guidelines. They're not meant to be taken absolutely literally and strictly every time. I think I grasp for something solid and strict to hold onto because I was thrown so abruptly into parenthood far earlier than I expected. I lost an entire trimester of reading books, advice from others, and preparation. Its hard for me to just accept our situation as it is and flow with what my children need from me as they develop. Parenting is a constant learning process, especially when children are this young and developing so much each day. I do my best to keep up with it, and when I can't, I learn from it.