Breastfeeding Shenanigans

We are STILL learning how to breastfeed. It has been so hard and stressful to get them to the breast after getting bottles in the NICU. Kind hearted people have told me that they are amazed I am still trying, and pumping, and supplementing, etc. To me, there is no other option - these babies will be breastfed. If after I exhaust absolutely everything, they still can't take the breast, I am committed to pumping for as long as I can, meaning at the very least, until they are one year old. They need my breastmilk.

Today in the mail, I received my nursing supplementer. Essentially, you put the supplement, expressed milk in my case, in the bottle, hang the bottle around your neck, and tape the tube to your breast. When the baby takes the breast, they take the tube as well. That way, there is no need to supplement with a bottle afterwards. It keeps the baby at the breast, which is beneficial for everyone. I tried it with Isaac today, and it's a bit of a contraption. Hard to get him properly latched, and then he only took an ounce from the supplementer, plus whatever he got from me (on average about two ounces according to the test weights at the lactation consultant).

I'll try it with Gabe after work, but his issue is that he won't open his mouth, and he clamps down on me. Hopefully if I use the fast-flow tubing with the supplementer, it will help with this issue.

I just know I can't take much more of this, but I will, I have to. Aside from the fact that breastmilk is best, and it's free, this is part of the way I feel like I need to 'make up' for their premature birth. They spent the beginning of their lives in plastic boxes, not in my arms. We didn't have that immediate bonding time after birth. I had to get to know them in two hour chunks of time in the NICU. Everyone says "it's not your fault", "you did everything you could", and rationally, I know that. Yes, I laid on my left side for almost 6 weeks straight. Yes, I only got up to use the bathroom, shower every other day, and go to doctor's appointments. Yes, I went to the hospital when I felt what could be, and what were, contractions. I got two rounds of incredibly painful betamethasone shots. I laid completely bedridden pumped full of magnesium sulfate, feeling like a zombie, for three days. But there is this constant cloud of guilt that I feel. Maybe if I would've called the doctor sooner. Or there was the time I cheated and went to Caleb's house to watch the last season of Battlestar Galactica. But really, did BSG do it to me? I just laid on the futon all day there too. Frankly, I believe that show kept me pregnant for as long as I was, because I got so into I had to watch it for 10 hours a day. I mean, it's really good. I digress. Like my other post, I think I just need to accept what has happened, and move on. Boys are here, boys are healthy, boys are home. The end.